When Candy Bhatia was being born to a comfortable West Delhi family, frantic activity was taking place up above. Venus was canoodling with members of the opposite sex, Cupid was queuing up for an orgy and Kamadeva (the Indian god of lust) was riding a parrot to chase his consort Rati (a vision Candy’s admirers often saw). As the young doctor, a resident of West Delhi himself came to check on her after 48 hours, baby Candy checked him out instead. She winked at him charmingly from her basket and kept staring till he blushed. The flustered doctor gently warned the parents about future possibilities, who claimed much later that this creature of boundless lust must have been switched at birth.
Since then there was no looking back. No man, particularly from West and East Delhi felt safe. Mothers and wives warned their boys and men against the charms of this man-eater. From Shahdara to Raja Garden, from Preet Vihar to Vikaspuri, men of all ages found it difficult to hold on to their virtue with Candy around. In her sleeveless salwar-kameezes held at the bosom with flimsy buttons or lacy ribbons, she would be found in the neighbourhood chaat shops, seductively biting into aloo tikkis, gulping down pani puri, blowing sensuously at hot samosas, lust dripping from her.
Candy Bhatia’s unique charm lay in the fact that her predatory manner was offset by her feigned innocence. She fooled the men into thinking that their getting laid had to do primarily with their good-looks, intelligence, affluence etc. In reality, once Candy marked her target, there was little they could do to escape. Like the dog that doggedly pees to mark his territory, the very potent Candy Bhatia sultrily established her territorial superiority across West and East Delhi. As a result, by the time she turned 21, mothers of young Punjabi girls from the said area looking for virgin grooms started actively considering neighbouring states for chaste matches.
Finally, in an effort to tame her free run of hormones, her family tried to get her married. She married a few times, promptly deserted the men and moved on in life with the sure footedness of a gazelle looking for her foliage to bite.
At ABC Corporation where she worked, Candy Bhatia rose from a mere receptionist to the Admin In-Charge in a few years. She was a roaring success. She delighted the men by walking around sensuously in office, swaying her hips, flaunting colourful dupattas (that slid more than rested on her chest), gamboling about, as she organized Miss Lohri, Miss Diwali, Miss Holi competitions all of which she proceeded to win, hands down. As time passed and Candy gained a few pounds and grayed, her skill in the art of seduction peaked. Additionally, she became a great counselor too.
Client Relationship Manager, Mr. Sharma: “Arey Candy, I missed the train to my hometown.”
Candy: “It is sign of sexual frustration. You constantly keep missing impotent things. It is happening in all marriage these days. I know some good divorce lawyer. Take number from me.”
Rekha, the young engineer: “Candyjee, look at me. How will I attend my friend’s marriage with these zits on my face? How will I show off?”
Candy, sympathetically: “My dear, I understand. Tits on your face. Not good. Your tits should be on another’s face na. And what use if you can’t show them around during someone else’s marriage. Here, let me give you card of Tansukh clinic...Hari Nagar, not far. I know the owner.” Winking and whispering conspiratorially “Go today only. Big thing happen in small money.”
Khannajee, the accounts in-charge: “Listen Candy. I couldn’t sleep last night.”
Candy gives him a you-naughty-boy smile.
Khannajee: “No no. I dreamt of a hanging cobra in my sleep. What on earth could it mean?”
Candy, smiling knowingly, “Cobra is felic* symbol. You know felas*? One that fellow Freewd* invented? You need more action dear. Come to meeting room after lunch. I will give home remidy. After, no more cobra hanging in your sleep. Only beautiful ladis like me.”
*(Phallic, Phallas, Freud)
Finally, when the disciplinary committee gave her the golden handshake, a pall of gloom descended at ABC Corporation. A few men contemplated slitting their wrists as a mark of protest, some wrote her farewell letters in blood and others turned celibate. Overall productivity in the organization fell drastically.
Because of her good graces, one of her admirers referred Candy for a job at the rival DEF Corporation. At the interview:
Boss: Candy Bhatia. What a unique name!
Candy: Sweet to taste sir. Like the candy.
Boss, clearing his voice: So Candy, your CV has everything else but doesn’t say where we can find you?
Candy, innocently: Why? The Badroom sir
Boss: No, I mean your CV doesn’t have your address, where do you live?
Candy (dupatta slipping from the chest): Ohh. Wast Delhi sir
Boss blinking: When can you join?
Candy, fluttering eyelashes: I’m totally avlabel sir. When you want, I come…Always
Boss, gulping: See we have a very different work culture from ABC…
Before he can complete, Candy: I’m totally flaxible sir. When you want, I show flaxible, when you want I show hard to get
Boss’ pencil drops in shock, Candy bends over to pick it up, a button on the chest of her sleevless kurta pops open:
Candy straightening up: You asking for more sir?
Boss: What?!
Candy: Quschun sir?
Boss, sweating: Oh yes, Are you a team player?
Candy: Full team will be too big to play at once no, sir. I can play 2-3 people one time
Boss: No no, you misunderstand, are you friendly? Do you get along with people?
Candy, in all seriousness: Yes sir, vary frandly. Totall frandly. I’m a vary lonely woman. So frandship is always must.
As sweatbeads break out on the Boss' forehead, he is confronted with a vision of a thin, good looking God riding a bright green parrot with a luscious red beak, charging towards him full throttle.
Needless to say, Candy Bhatia landed the job. Today, rival DEF Corporation is scaling heights with its workforce of happy men. And the HR at ABC Corporation is spending obscene amounts of money in motivational initiatives to bring its male employees back to life.
Since then there was no looking back. No man, particularly from West and East Delhi felt safe. Mothers and wives warned their boys and men against the charms of this man-eater. From Shahdara to Raja Garden, from Preet Vihar to Vikaspuri, men of all ages found it difficult to hold on to their virtue with Candy around. In her sleeveless salwar-kameezes held at the bosom with flimsy buttons or lacy ribbons, she would be found in the neighbourhood chaat shops, seductively biting into aloo tikkis, gulping down pani puri, blowing sensuously at hot samosas, lust dripping from her.
Candy Bhatia’s unique charm lay in the fact that her predatory manner was offset by her feigned innocence. She fooled the men into thinking that their getting laid had to do primarily with their good-looks, intelligence, affluence etc. In reality, once Candy marked her target, there was little they could do to escape. Like the dog that doggedly pees to mark his territory, the very potent Candy Bhatia sultrily established her territorial superiority across West and East Delhi. As a result, by the time she turned 21, mothers of young Punjabi girls from the said area looking for virgin grooms started actively considering neighbouring states for chaste matches.
Finally, in an effort to tame her free run of hormones, her family tried to get her married. She married a few times, promptly deserted the men and moved on in life with the sure footedness of a gazelle looking for her foliage to bite.
At ABC Corporation where she worked, Candy Bhatia rose from a mere receptionist to the Admin In-Charge in a few years. She was a roaring success. She delighted the men by walking around sensuously in office, swaying her hips, flaunting colourful dupattas (that slid more than rested on her chest), gamboling about, as she organized Miss Lohri, Miss Diwali, Miss Holi competitions all of which she proceeded to win, hands down. As time passed and Candy gained a few pounds and grayed, her skill in the art of seduction peaked. Additionally, she became a great counselor too.
Client Relationship Manager, Mr. Sharma: “Arey Candy, I missed the train to my hometown.”
Candy: “It is sign of sexual frustration. You constantly keep missing impotent things. It is happening in all marriage these days. I know some good divorce lawyer. Take number from me.”
Rekha, the young engineer: “Candyjee, look at me. How will I attend my friend’s marriage with these zits on my face? How will I show off?”
Candy, sympathetically: “My dear, I understand. Tits on your face. Not good. Your tits should be on another’s face na. And what use if you can’t show them around during someone else’s marriage. Here, let me give you card of Tansukh clinic...Hari Nagar, not far. I know the owner.” Winking and whispering conspiratorially “Go today only. Big thing happen in small money.”
Khannajee, the accounts in-charge: “Listen Candy. I couldn’t sleep last night.”
Candy gives him a you-naughty-boy smile.
Khannajee: “No no. I dreamt of a hanging cobra in my sleep. What on earth could it mean?”
Candy, smiling knowingly, “Cobra is felic* symbol. You know felas*? One that fellow Freewd* invented? You need more action dear. Come to meeting room after lunch. I will give home remidy. After, no more cobra hanging in your sleep. Only beautiful ladis like me.”
*(Phallic, Phallas, Freud)
Finally, when the disciplinary committee gave her the golden handshake, a pall of gloom descended at ABC Corporation. A few men contemplated slitting their wrists as a mark of protest, some wrote her farewell letters in blood and others turned celibate. Overall productivity in the organization fell drastically.
Because of her good graces, one of her admirers referred Candy for a job at the rival DEF Corporation. At the interview:
Boss: Candy Bhatia. What a unique name!
Candy: Sweet to taste sir. Like the candy.
Boss, clearing his voice: So Candy, your CV has everything else but doesn’t say where we can find you?
Candy, innocently: Why? The Badroom sir
Boss: No, I mean your CV doesn’t have your address, where do you live?
Candy (dupatta slipping from the chest): Ohh. Wast Delhi sir
Boss blinking: When can you join?
Candy, fluttering eyelashes: I’m totally avlabel sir. When you want, I come…Always
Boss, gulping: See we have a very different work culture from ABC…
Before he can complete, Candy: I’m totally flaxible sir. When you want, I show flaxible, when you want I show hard to get
Boss’ pencil drops in shock, Candy bends over to pick it up, a button on the chest of her sleevless kurta pops open:
Candy straightening up: You asking for more sir?
Boss: What?!
Candy: Quschun sir?
Boss, sweating: Oh yes, Are you a team player?
Candy: Full team will be too big to play at once no, sir. I can play 2-3 people one time
Boss: No no, you misunderstand, are you friendly? Do you get along with people?
Candy, in all seriousness: Yes sir, vary frandly. Totall frandly. I’m a vary lonely woman. So frandship is always must.
As sweatbeads break out on the Boss' forehead, he is confronted with a vision of a thin, good looking God riding a bright green parrot with a luscious red beak, charging towards him full throttle.
Needless to say, Candy Bhatia landed the job. Today, rival DEF Corporation is scaling heights with its workforce of happy men. And the HR at ABC Corporation is spending obscene amounts of money in motivational initiatives to bring its male employees back to life.
Almost feeling bad for Candy...
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